as I see it, you've been under a lot of pressure for a long time, but you hadn't really been facing it. now, you are facing up to it, starting to come to terms, finding ways to cope, sorting things out. this is an ordeal. you can be proud of yourself for having gained awareness of your situation, having the motivation to change, and bit by bit, finding the energy to make changes one thing at a time.
i would not add pressure on yourself about the alcohol. you are feeling bad about it i know, but it is a temporary thing. You can take care of yourself by drinking water, and make little improvements to the situation by saying no to this drink here, or that drink there, when you feel you can. Other than that, i'd say go with the flow until you feel stronger.
Can you just trust that you will stop drinking when the timing is right
? I know you CAN do it, because you've already proven it. Last time your pdoc's scare tactic only "worked" because ultimately, YOU were ABLE to rein yourself in. YOU take FULL CREDIT for that. (She did not lock you in a tower or give you antabuse.) I see no point in piling more pressure on yourself right now, added to those you already have and are just starting to cope with. When the other pressures lessen you will be in better shape to deal with the alcohol issue, and I know you WILL deal with it.
You have accomplished SO MUCH in just a few days, despite a gloomy mood hanging over you. You have done, and are still doing a TON of things, important things.
This is something you can be proud of. It is good reason for an internal celebration. Please, allow yourself to really revel in it!
Mentally and emotionally...
roll in it, like a pig in mud!
~ waves ~