Spousal support

[Susanne C.]

Originally Posted by chaos

Yes, I want to get a cleaning person as soon as I can afford it (I'm really close right now). I also need to figure out more ways to be able to cook without it being too much of a burden on me. It's hard because I don't eat many pre-prepped meals, most have onions and meat. My daughter and husband are vegetarians and I'm allergic to onions. I think, at least at this point, I need to do more Sunday cooking, while my hands aren't overworked because of my job. I need to figure out what I can make and freeze, it's not easy in our house. At least my daughter watches me cooking, she'll be able to really help out in the next few years, right now she's still too young to do things like cook with oil or take things out of the oven.

Sigh...as you all know too well, this seriously sucks.

Oh my, I hear you about the cooking. I am home all day and I still dread it. After 30 years i feel burned out on cooking, but there are still four other people here who expect to eat several times a day. It does seem to be a choice between eating unhealthfully and exhausting ourselves, there are so few easy, healthy options. Trying to navigate a vegetarian menu, where effort, frequent shopping, and creativity have to make up for the easy "slab o'meat " that my guys prefer, makes it even harder. Almost everything vegetarian is better prepared on the spot, except for soups and stews. You probably need your weekends to rest as much as possible. Do pasta dishes work well for your family?

I think I hate food shopping even more than cooking. That, at least, I am able to push off on the guys if I am organized about it.

[abbyrition]

Hi Choas. I can not put myself in your shoes, except for the wrists issue. Mine have gotten so bad as of late that I can not work at the moment. I luckily have wonderful support from my family. It really sounds like communication is the key for you. (as it is with most relationship issues.) Even with the wonderful support I recieve, I often find it hard to communicate with my partner about what is going on with me. It's no fun to talk about depressing pain, or fears, or anxiety, or any number of the negatives those with chronic pain face daily. When I feel myself getting to the breaking point, I write a letter. I am too emotional by this point to even remember all the things I would want to say, let alone express appropriately. If nothing else the weight of carrying that burden is lifted. Perhaps this advice can assist you.
If you are the only one with income, do you not control the video game options in the household? Cutting off the internet, removing the gaming system? If your Husband can't tear himself away from his game to offer you respect, is that the same care he provides for your daughter? (from the gamers I've known - they do not change behavior from the game no matter the person requesting attention.)
You sound like you have all the power to change your relationship, but relinquish it all willingly. It sounds like there maybe more to your story history of abuse/self esteem issues? Perhaps if you can not convince him to go to couples therapy, you may still find a benefit from individualized therapy (even if there isn't more to your story).
One last tip, a friend of mine doesn't do a lot of cooking herself. Instead she orders pre-prepared meals that are frozen and then she just heats them in the oven each night. They're not like pre-packaged, & full of preservatives frozen tv dinners, they are more like some grandma's catering business freezes family meals tht you eat within the week. Perhaps something like this would come in helpful, even if it's only for a few nights a week on those nights you just can't find the strength to make dinner.
If all else fails, start feeding them peanut butter and jelly sandwiches when you ask for help and he doesn't. If you ask for help, he declines and then you complete the task anyway, you are reinforcing the belief that you didn't really need the help in the first place. (Even though we both know mom's will hurt themselves first to provide for others.)

[olivenblue]

I was the care giver for my wife who had Alzheimer's for about five years. At times I lost my composure and got cranky. Oh how I wish that I could relive those moments and change my attitude. She passed away two weeks ago. Would he like to swap situations? My only consolation w2as that we were married 66 years..............Woody

[Sallysblooms]

I am so sorry about your wife. I am sure she felt so blessed to have your care for so long.

[chaos]

I'm so sorry about your wife. 66 years is a long time. You two were lucky to have each other!

I really don't know what he'd say if I asked him if he'd trade places with me. He'd probably say something like that he'd be able to heal himself by now, or something just as horrible and insensitive. He had his first migraine about a year ago, after seeing me suffer for years, but it's a really good question to ask him.