Partner moved out - depression or over?

[ruby1]

Originally Posted by Addy

Hi Ruby1 ... no, you are not posting too much.... there is no such thing as "posting too much"...

You are drawn back here for a reason... and from what I can tell, you are definitely insightful enough to recognize there are probably several reasons.

This thread is about you and the debilitating loss you are experiencing. Each time you come back, you read what you've written - like a journal! I can't tell you how much I've learned from writing here... or from writing with pen in a special book. (Give yourself a gift today - if you don't own a journal - go and buy one - and just start writing ...)

With regards to you last post: my feeling is that you were not intruding when contacting the friend for information. You deserve to know as much as you can in order to understand what has happened in your life.

Its very helpful to talk to people about your experiences as it often triggers them to open up about their own lives... to share, and say - "you're not alone". We all walk similar paths... and each, depending on our life's circumstances... branches out to amazing opportunities. Believe it or not, this loss is teaching you something... and, yes, its rocking your world.

If you have access to OWN tv or Oprah.com - I strongly urge you to watch her Lifeclass series.

I'll come back here when I have more time... I have one question for you. At any time during your relationship, did you have any "red flags"... and by that I mean, any times when you felt that something just wasn't right? Not sure I'm asking that right. We all have "gut feelings", intuitions... that something makes us feels us feel uncomfortable. Did you have any of those feelings?

Validate yourself dear one... "This, too, shall pass"

Addy

Hi Addy,

Will make a point of looking up the Oprah.com you recommend, although today has been emotionally exhausting and gotta try sleep soon, so won't be today. Am up at 4am tomorrow.

Am posting more to ask what you mean about signs? Do you mean of depression or just generally that I was being decieved?

Oh n yes I'm writing...have to as the jungle that is my mind has to come out somewhere!

Got name of a different counsellor off a colleague today, think going try contact him soon as the one I'm seeing is "pleasant" but that's not really what I need right now.

Thankyou ...x

[Addy]

Hi Ruby1,

Glad to read you're considering a change in therapists... and that you're using a journal. I'm good at talking the talk... tho, I don't always do it,

When it is time, and if it is to be, you'll see some of Oprah's Lifeclasses. I feel so blessed with the lessons its teaching me.

Am posting more to ask what you mean about signs? Do you mean of depression or just generally that I was being deceived?

During your relationship, did you recognize things with him that you were uncomfortable with ... but they were things that you thought you might "change" or help him change... ? Things that might make you question your own self and make you wonder if there was something wrong with you... but you you squashed down the doubts.. again... I don't think I'm making sense. LOL... sorry...

Its my hope that you will one day be able to look back and understand that perhaps, just maybe... you were settling, and you deserve so much more... and no one should have to bear the sadness and loss you are feeling right now..

sleep well, Addy

[ruby1]

Originally Posted by Addy

Hi Ruby1,

Glad to read you're considering a change in therapists... and that you're using a journal. I'm good at talking the talk... tho, I don't always do it,

When it is time, and if it is to be, you'll see some of Oprah's Lifeclasses. I feel so blessed with the lessons its teaching me.



During your relationship, did you recognize things with him that you were uncomfortable with ... but they were things that you thought you might "change" or help him change... ? Things that might make you question your own self and make you wonder if there was something wrong with you... but you you squashed down the doubts.. again... I don't think I'm making sense. LOL... sorry...

Its my hope that you will one day be able to look back and understand that perhaps, just maybe... you were settling, and you deserve so much more... and no one should have to bear the sadness and loss you are feeling right now..

sleep well, Addy

Thanks Addy, that's the problem, no I truly loved him, he treated me marvellously, and I feel still that he is a good man in a bad place. Nobody is perfect, don't get me wrong, myself included. He is doing this because he feels I will see him as a failure, perhaps it's a weak way of dealing with things, but actually I saw what he has been through lately, break him. Yes it tortures me to be going through this. BUT he never did anything other than empower me..This is obviously a side to him I didn't know or see but if he phoned me tonight I would be over the moon.
I realise that is unlikely if not impossible, and I'm trying to pick myself up, and look to the future, but that is so hard right now.
I've had a man in my life previously that played every emotional, financial, selfish trick in the book, and, I do know where you are coming from - and bless you for your thoughts, more than you know...
I am making plans to go back to the UK for Xmas, if I go now, I will be stretching myself financially, and will be miserable and tearful all the time I'm there. Also, I will be worrying that he will come back whilst I'm away. By Xmas, perhaps I'll be stronger.
I miss him so much, but it's been 5 days since I even tried contact, feels like a year. Am hoping to give him space to let him think, but fear all I'm doing is letting him think I've forgotten him, or given up.
Day off tomorrow, going to a friends farm, will probably cry, it's inevitable at the moment, but he knows that, and accepts it, all I want to do is hermit, but I can't....
Sound strong today, but I'm not, feel weak and worried.
Thankyou xx

[NicolaProtts]

Sometimes crying helps
But basiclly i think you need buy some good stuff about possitve thinking!
Or read blogs on internet about it. I can't give you a link, because I'm new here and I nedd to collect some points, but try to find this guy - Zen Habits. “Zen Habits is about finding simplicity in the daily chaos of our lives. It’s about clearing the clutter so we can focus on what’s important, create something amazing, and find happiness.”

Originally Posted by ruby1

Thanks Addy, that's the problem, no I truly loved him, he treated me marvellously, and I feel still that he is a good man in a bad place. Nobody is perfect, don't get me wrong, myself included. He is doing this because he feels I will see him as a failure, perhaps it's a weak way of dealing with things, but actually I saw what he has been through lately, break him. Yes it tortures me to be going through this. BUT he never did anything other than empower me..This is obviously a side to him I didn't know or see but if he phoned me tonight I would be over the moon.
I realise that is unlikely if not impossible, and I'm trying to pick myself up, and look to the future, but that is so hard right now.
I've had a man in my life previously that played every emotional, financial, selfish trick in the book, and, I do know where you are coming from - and bless you for your thoughts, more than you know...
I am making plans to go back to the UK for Xmas, if I go now, I will be stretching myself financially, and will be miserable and tearful all the time I'm there. Also, I will be worrying that he will come back whilst I'm away. By Xmas, perhaps I'll be stronger.
I miss him so much, but it's been 5 days since I even tried contact, feels like a year. Am hoping to give him space to let him think, but fear all I'm doing is letting him think I've forgotten him, or given up.
Day off tomorrow, going to a friends farm, will probably cry, it's inevitable at the moment, but he knows that, and accepts it, all I want to do is hermit, but I can't....
Sound strong today, but I'm not, feel weak and worried.
Thankyou xx

[ruby1]

Originally Posted by NicolaProtts

Sometimes crying helps
But basiclly i think you need buy some good stuff about possitve thinking!
Or read blogs on internet about it. I can't give you a link, because I'm new here and I nedd to collect some points, but try to find this guy - Zen Habits. “Zen Habits is about finding simplicity in the daily chaos of our lives. It’s about clearing the clutter so we can focus on what’s important, create something amazing, and find happiness.”

Thanks, think your right, had actually printed off something from there!! "Letting go of attachment from A to Z." Perhaps I need to read it again!!
Also, seeing if can change my counsellor and have been in touch with someone recommended to me. Hopefully I can see him as early as next Tuesday, although I'll have to pay for this one, and I don't know how long I can do that. I talked to him briefly this morning and he seems quite pro-active as opposed to the one I've been seeing, who just seems to say oh what a horrible thing, of course you must feel awful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Am ashamed say I texted my partner - it had been a week and somehow I hoped/convinced myself, that he might answer.
All I put was "Wishing all good things for you. Please don't be angry at my attempts to communicate . Not trying to fix or control you. Am trying to keep myself busy. If or when you want to talk, Please do call me."
Of course as they say, if you keep trying the same thing, you get the same results. You know, I actually thought was reasonable when I wrote it, but, now I see it to be whiney and pathetic. He can't or won't hear me.
Realise I need to move on, I've been fighting against going to the doctor, but maybe it's time for that too. Been taking some herbal stuff Zizyphus jujuba, but obviously not effective.
I know I sound negative, but, have been trying all I can and am just mentally and physically exhausted with this. I think I actually spend too much time trying to understand how he is feeling, and really I guess I actually don't know do I, could be just happily skipping into his new life!! but deep down, I know that isn't true.
Time to try and reclaim some of me I guess, before I let it all slip through my fingers.
Apologies all

[ruby1]

Well.. just been to new counsellor, and he described someone with some sort of love issue/self esteem thing and that he probably would gone at some point anyway - didn't recognise my partner at all!!!!!!!! Even rang my friend to see if she could see it, nope.....I give up there?
Anyway real point of posting is.... I have booked myself a return flight to the UK - 6 weeks with mates and family, can't really afford it financially but mentally oh yes!!!!!!!
Will hopefully give me time to get perspective on all of this...

[don1956]

I have been where your at "ruby".it happens to all of us and will continue.whats the answer..eh unfortunately there is none.all we can give is tips.but one thing I did learn and pass on to other is "I hope your not listening to "PityMeSongs"..its the worst thing you can do.you know love songs.mostly there about losing someone cause they have fallen out of love with you.that was my problem and it prolong the pain.