Until we get it right....

[Alffe]

Chapter One

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...it's a habit...but,
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five

I walk down another street.
__________________

[reyn]

(Alffe) thanks for this -- in my confusion, I was not seeing that there may be a different path than back down the deep, dark hole. After 5-6 days of highly unusual energy, optimism, engaging in "normal" activities of leaving the house, going to the store, talking with people on the 'phone and face-to-face (ack!), I was hit with the thought that this entire period may be a fluke, a manic phase. If so, that means my normal must be just down the road.

Yesterday I went to see the dearest lady, a friend of my parents, a beacon of light and love from my small childhood church, the mother I would have chosen -- she said that she was so happy to see me leaving my house, looking healthy, happy. She had come by to see me several times over the months, but I didn't hear her knock -- even if I had, I wouldn't have gone to the door.

Building that solid wall to keep everyone out is a defense mechanism that is destructive and feeds my depression. Isolation can't be healthy. Not seeing another soul for weeks-on-end serves no good, constructive purpose, does it?

I am going to try to find another path, a different street, so that if this current "euphoria" is indeed the mania that is so difficult to not embrace, I perhaps can not return to the same, familiar darkness but rather find some new direction that may be more balanced. Forgive my grammar -- one thought ignites another.

BUT -- awareness may be an essential key. And I do not want to go back "there."

from my *heart,
reyn

[Alffe]

You already know my response dearheart....the antidote to depression is to surround yourself with people who care.

I'm so so happy to hear of your beacon of light...angels come in all sizes and shapes. Please don't go "back there".

[Doody]

I was just thinking about that story yesterday Ms. Alffe. Thanks for posting it again.

And look who it brought in. (((Reyn)))

[reyn]

Doody

Alffe

[Nik-key]

I am going to try to find another path, a different street, so that if this current "euphoria" is indeed the mania that is so difficult to not embrace, I perhaps can not return to the same, familiar darkness but rather find some new direction that may be more balanced.

((Reyn)) It is so wonderful to hear the hope in you Very inspiring and insightful. It is easy to close ourselves inside the walls we build isn't it? I keep going back to ((Moi's)) thread about windows.... it seems too difficult a task to tear down our walls, but cutting out a window, even if it is tiny at first seems doable and less frightening. I hope you can build many windows ((Reyn))