PTSD from my baby's death from SIDS

Mykinzie · 01-27-2010, 04:43 PM

Hello everyone. Years ago, my husband woke me up on a sunday morning screaming. I immediately woke up, of course, and i flew down the hallway to where he was. He was holding our 4 week old infant son, Kory, who was very still. He had died in his sleep the day he turned 4 weeks old. I immediately went into shock. I remember refusing to really look at Kory or touch him. Something inside me told me that If I just didnt touch him, he'd be of and wake up again like he was when I layed him down just a few hours ago. When Craig drove us to the ER, I still wouldnt touch Kory. I was also protecting myself from the fact that if he was dead, I would never really know how he felt when he wasnt alive. I am constantly, years later, reliving that morning and what felt and saw. Today even, when i pass by someone napping or sleeping, I HAVE to make sure their chest is moving and/or i hear them breathing. Does anyone reading this relate to this in any way at all? Has anyone lost a baby to SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome) or crib death? I am NOT the same person I was before I lost Kory. I was hoping someone who has been through a similar experience coulld reply and leave me a suggestion or response or something supportive because it has been some years ago now and I am getting better and better emotionally. But, any kind of feedback will just help me to not feel so alone anymore. Thank you so much. Mykinzie.....

Hockey · 01-28-2010, 05:06 AM

Hello and welcome to NT.

Yours is an absolutely heartbreaking experience. As a mother, I can't even begin to imagine the depths of your sorrow and trauma.

I don't know if others here have lost children specifically to SIDS. However, we are a large group and many here have lost children to accident, illness and suicide. I am sure they will be able to offer empathy and advice.

If you haven't found it, the forum's PTSD link is:

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum98.html

If you need any help navigating the Board, let us know.

Alffe · 01-28-2010, 05:33 AM

Is there a support group in your area for SIDS? Have you ever attended a Compassionate Friends meeting? I'm so sorry for your loss Mykinzie and even tho it was years ago, we don't "get over" that kind of loss without help.

DiMarie · 01-30-2010, 07:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mykinzie

I am NOT the same person I was before I lost Kory. I was hoping someone who has been through a similar experience coulld reply and leave me a suggestion or response or something supportive because it has been some years ago now and I am getting better and better emotionally. But, any kind of feedback will just help me to not feel so alone anymore. Thank you so much. Mykinzie.....

When my grown dd passed away at 29, I relized many of the feelings you had. When I found her, I realized it was too late, I did not even hold her until I could not be allowed. I was in shock as you were. It is 3 years this past week and as real as yesterday, emotional it is down a notch but not good.

I realized when you lose your spouse you are a widow, when you lose parents you are an orphan, but when you lose a child there is no word for it.,

You life is forever changed, a hole in your heart that is gone, memories made in the future without that child.
But, for my other children I go on, I keep busy. My angel is always but a thoguht away, tears away even today.

I have things, my angels around the house, to keep her close. I would give anything to have that day back.
I try, I do try, I keep active, I take Lexapro to keep my mind from being so cluttered.

I have had deep losses, parents, grandparents, friends, but still there is no loss like a child. Her siblings will never be the same, maybe someday they have a better chance more years to ease the pain.

Fill your days with as much as you can. A phone call to friend, volunteer some place,
don;t let your self be saddend every day. Remember people love you..

Koala77 · 01-30-2010, 08:01 PM

Three times I've written out what I wanted to say to you, and three times I deleted it. There really aren't any words I can say to ease your pain. There are no words to express how I feel. I can say nothing more than ....

Mykinzie, I'm so sorry!

Alffe · 01-31-2010, 09:04 AM

(((Koala77)))

Dmom3005 · 02-02-2010, 05:20 PM

Mckenzie

I just had to respond to this thread. I hope you come back and find some
support. We are hear for you. Please let us know what we might be able to do to help you.

Sometimes its just listening.

Donna

Mykinzie · 02-03-2010, 06:35 PM

Hello again. I have just realized that I've found a place to check in at and post messages where there's some absolutely beautiful people! I'm so glad I went ahead and posted this now. I've never seen a website where they actually had a place for SIDS parents! To be honest, even though I wanna go there and feel like I'm not so alone, I have some fear of going there and finding my own story. I don't get it! I am fearing probably exactly what I really do need. This happened in Lake Havasu and there was not much of anthing at all there to offer then, or now even. Its a small city. You are right though. Any parent that has lost a child would know! I'm really glad I trusted u all enough to share this. You have all been a tremendous help to me. Mykinzie aka marla.

Alffe · 02-04-2010, 07:20 AM

Marla I'm so glad you came back and shared some more with us. I've learned over the many years since losing a child, that the successful healing process is to talk about it even though that is so difficult to do.

My loss is completely different than yours but the pain is the same.

Chemar · 02-10-2010, 03:15 PM

I am so glad you found this place too Marla and thank you for sharing your story with us.

my heart really goes out to you

I have not lost a child the way you did, tho I did lose two before they were born, and I know how deep that affected me, so I can only glimpse what those who have had this sorrow with a child they have held go thru

As you can see, this is a deeply caring place.

I hope you will find comfort and release here.