found her, lost her

Dejibo · 11-18-2010, 07:42 AM

My 30th high school reunion just happened recently and it brought on a flood of emails, and snail mails from friends long since forgotten. There were many letters from some girls who were pretty mean to me, and some who stood by and allowed others to be mean. If I were to choose one or two to find, I would have searched for Dawn, and Gina. I asked for help, and was able to find Gina. After some work I was able to locate a PO box and an old email address. I wrote the email, and got no response. I wrote the po box and received a response to the email the same day she received the letter. The letter was short and sweet. something to the effect of "always wondered what happened to you. would love to hear from you."

I got a real phone call from her and she was bubbly and sweet and seemed excited to hear from me, and about me. We talked for an hour and a half. She was growing tired and so was I, so I suggested we pick this up another day. She asked me to call her Saturday at 2. so, i did. no answer. I called at 8 (the same hour she phoned me) and no answer. I tried sunday. no answer. I skipped a day and called Tuesday. no answer. hmmm...I called last night, and no answer. At this point I am wondering if she simply didnt want to keep the door open and didnt want to tell me. I left a short message

My message said "Hi, its Debbie, and I called on Saturday like you asked, but havent been able to find you home. I did try to call a few times, but at this point I sorta feel like I am chasing you, and I dont think either of us would want that. I tell you what, this is my number (i gave my phone #) call me if you want to catch up. I am always happy to talk to you. thanks, it really was great to hear from you again." and I ended the call.

Hit me with your wisdom. What happened? We talked about children, family, jobs, health, and so forth. I dont believe I said anything offense, rude or off the cuff. it was light and happy just like two old g/fs who havent heard from each other in 25 years would be. She seemed genuinly happy to hear from me, and happy to share where she had been, and what she had been doing. Why would she now be refusing my call? Am I being overly sensitive? If she didnt want to be found, why would she have called me? I guess my little warped brain cant understand why someone who I once loved as deeply as bffs can, would be so happy that she would call me, and then...avoid me. its like high school all over again!

what is your advice? I have let it go. I will not be calling anymore. I wish her well, and hope only good things for her, but it just puzzles me that she would ask me to call and then not pick up the phone.

Kitty · 11-18-2010, 07:59 AM

I know it's hard not to wonder "why".....but there can be a zillion reasons why she's not answering the phone.

Maybe she had to leave town unexpectedly. Maybe she's depressed and is having a hard time right now and just can't talk. Maybe she's sick. Maybe she's been hurt by friends in the past and is hesitant to open herself up to another possible disappointment.

It's puzzling when someone who seemed so genuinely happy to hear from you suddenly gets quiet and unavailable. I wouldn't automatically assume that it was something you said or did that's causing the evasiveness. You've left the ball in her court. All you can do is wait for her to respond. Maybe send her a Christmas card with a short note letting her know you miss her.

**On a side note....I've become sort of anti-phone myself. It wears me out to have those "marathon" phone chats like I used to.**

kicker · 11-18-2010, 08:30 AM

I agree with Kitty. Glad to hear from old friends, but life has happened and changed things, my plate is full as it is, loved touching base but not on a continuing basis. That happened yesterday, but this is today. I've let the past go. I've said silent goodbyes as we both continued moving forward on our journeys.

TwoKidsTwoCats · 11-18-2010, 09:28 AM

I'm sorry you didn't get the response from her you had hoped for.

My BFF from high school has not contacted me in 33 years.(egads I just realized it has been that long) My mom ran into her dad and he gave her my friend's phone number. It was 2 weeks later when my mom remembered to give it to me. When I called, it had been disconnected. :/

So I don't worry about it anymore. She has her life and I mine. Just would have been nice to reminisce over old times.

Now I do have a couple of people that I went to school with that want to keep in touch and I don't particularly want to talk to them! So it can go both ways.

Dejibo · 11-18-2010, 03:40 PM

Thanks you guys. I just thought it was so odd that she was overjoyed to hear from me, and now isnt taking my call...perhaps I am over reacting, not that I have ever been known to do such a thing. I guess anyone and anything surrounding my child hood can trigger me in a heartbeat of that old dont you love me feeling.

I have decided to let her go. I will send her a christmas card and wish her well, but leave the ball in her court. if she wishes to contact me, she knows where I am. if not, I am not going to force any issues with anyone. It is what it is. I got to know that she is ok, loved, and doing great. I should be happy with that, and let her go.

Thanks!

hollym · 11-18-2010, 05:48 PM

You never know what might have happened in her life between phone calls. She could have had to leave town for a family emergency or any other number of things. Or, she could have just had weird second thoughts about revisiting high school. You never know. I do hope she will contact you again and fill you in, though. I would definitely say that the issue was on her end and nothing you did / said. You can usually think back to an awkward moment in the conversation and realize you said something wrong.

A personal experience from this summer for me was similar. I have been working with another mother in Cub Scouts for the last 3 years. We had plans to do a couple of activity pins before the actual den meetings resumed to stay on schedule to get the boys ready to cross over into Boy Scouts.

We had agreed on a date and place to do one particular activity. Everything seemed fine. The next week, I emailed her and asked what time she thought we should meet and should we send out emails to the boys? No response. So, I emailed her again because the date was only days away now. No response. I called her house and got voice mail and left a message. No response. I was thinking "now what did I do wrong - is she mad at me?" I went back and looked at our last email exchange and realized it seemed fine. Then, she didn't show up at the fundraiser where we were going to pull the boys away for an hour to do our activity.

It was just so weird because she was always so involved. I tried calling again and got no response. So, I finally emailed her again and said that I was getting very worried because it wasn't like her. Her husband emailed me back that she had left the family a couple weeks before. I hadn't seen that coming and this was someone I knew fairly well! It turns out she had hooked up with another one of the dads in the Cub Scout pack and they both left their families and moved in together. What a shocker!!!

I guess my very long example is just to show that even someone that I knew pretty well and who I spent quite a bit of time with could be hiding something big and just blow off everyone in her life. I started to go down the road of wondering if I did something wrong, but it really wasn't about me at all. I don't think your friend blowing off your phone calls is about you, either, it has something to do with her.

Dejibo · 11-18-2010, 08:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hollym

You never know what might have happened in her life between phone calls. I don't think your friend blowing off your phone calls is about you, either, it has something to do with her.

You mean the world doesnt revolve around me?

really?

well dangit.

I can sometimes get myself tangled into the "what did I say?!" or could I have handled that better mentality, and then I completely forget that many of my ex friends come from some pretty damaged backgrounds. She may not have had the strength or courage to say "nice to hear from you, but I dont want to keep in touch." me? I am an honest, shoot from the hip kinda gal. You normally dont have to guess what I am thinking, and sometimes that can get me in trouble. I have missed her thru the years, and thought of her so often. I guess I pinned more hopes on that conversation than I realized.

I promise to try to be thankful for what contact I received, and not worried about what I didnt get. old habits die hard. esp with folks from yesteryear. Must look forward, must look forward, must look forward.

pud's friend · 11-19-2010, 05:58 AM

If it were me, I would worry just the same as you are. Just because I'm a worrier too. Imagining all the things I said to upset her. or that she hated me...

Truth is, she just may have gone away.
Or she may not want another hour and a half chat marathon.

I'd leave it a while, send a xmas card and wait and see.

FaithS · 11-21-2010, 04:40 PM

Sorry it didn't have a happier ending. But, maybe it still will, if she had to go out of town, or something, as some have said.

A somewhat thing happened to me, and it's worked out OK. A former classmate of mine contacted me via a 30-year HS reunion website two years ago. We were never close friends (ie: didn't ever socialize), but, lived near each other and walked to and from school together for much of 8 years (grades 5 through 12). After she contacted me, we exchanged email addresses.

We got together for coffee, the following summer, when I was in my home town. Had a nice visit; we actually had more in common now than we did back then, it seemed like.

We email occasionally, but, she's not a big e-mailer. The next summer, I let her know that I was coming to town again. She said she'd call me when I was there. She didn't, so, a day or two before I was ready to leave, I called her. No answer; left a message. Just something like, I wanted to say hi while I was in town, and was fine if we didn't get together.

Didn't hear from her before I left, but received an email after I returned home. She simply hadn't checked her phone messages in time, and tried to call (at my Dad's house) as soon as she got it, but I'd already left.

We continue to email occasionally. I'll probably let her know next time I'm coming. Probably won't call her, though, unless she asks me to.

~ Faith

Dejibo · 11-21-2010, 05:23 PM

still no word or email from her. I hope she is well and happy and simply overwhelmed with happy stuff to do.

its like a see saw. I can only control my end. I cannot do anything about the other side of the saw. I did come to the middle, so she can safely exit the ride without having to jump from up high.

If she is mad, sad, upset, or busy she will always be loved. even if she never speaks another word to me. I will always hold her high in my heart.