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Unread 03-06-2012, 06:09 PM   #1
Jim091866
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Default Don't even know where to begin.

After 18 years of marriage and another 8 years of staying together after we divorced my wife/ex wife left me on July 24 of last year. She up and packed a bag and literally walked out the door less than 2 hours after we returned home from a vacation at Siesta Key for a week. The morning after our arrival she complained of food poisoning and spent the week in the condo we were staying at. I would later find out that she was texting and calling a guy back in her home town that she knew from middle school. Our marriage was not what I would say a bad one but we were having our difficulties. She had major depression, OCD and agoraphobia, was on social security disability due to the fact that she could not even venture out of the house. Needless to say when she left it hit me like a freight train. I have Parkinson's disease, was a firefighter for 16 years and am on disability and a pension myself. I am lost without her. My day is spent at home, due to parkinsons I lost my license. The hours go by painfully slow. I can get around but I fall alot. I use a walker and a powerchair. She keeps in touch with my daughter who lives at home with me but won't talk to me. She calls every month around the end of the month to make sure that I'm still sending her the pension monies-she gets 1/2. She tells me not to give up on us then won't answer the phone. She calls me when she "wants it" because the guy she went up there for is an alcoholic and has numerous health issues and apparently isn't doing the job. I know she is using me and if truth be known she would not even talk to me except for the financial aspect of things. I ache to hug her, to hold her hand, to see her smile. I have had numerous suicidal attempts since she left. My favorite time of day is night-time because then I go to sleep. My parkinson's is not affecting me and until I wake up I am at peace. I have been crying since this weekend. My mother was recently hospitalized with a brain tumor and she had the nerve to call while I was in my mom's hospital room and ask if I could send the money earlier because she was being evicted. I have got to be the sorriest person in that I love her still. I would do anything to have her back in my life. she told me on New Years that she was coming back. My daughter was up there for the holidays visiting. Well she called to say that she was not coming but that my daughter had already left to be back in time to go to a friends party. I am at a loss except I know that tommorrow will be like today. Wake up, take my meds, eat a few times and wait till it's time to go to bed which is usually about 7 when I am ready but I try to stay up and read or something until at least 8:30 or 9. I am on zoloft but it doesnt help. Well thanks for listening.
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Unread 03-07-2012, 12:26 PM   #2
ger715
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Jim......so sorry to hear you are having so much to deal with. Loving someone and not being loved back can be like an illness in itself. It drains your whole being.

Are you able to drive? Getting with a friend for lunch, etc. Whatever.....you need to Get Out of the House. I learned that many years ago when I went into deep depresssion. I finally, thru the help of God climbed out of that dark hole. One thing I did realize; when the darkness inside wanted to startup again, I would do all I could to get out of the house. One of the things that did help me was getting involved ever so slowley in Church activites... helping others, when possible. It was necessary to get "outside myself". Suport Groups sometimes can be of help in new friendships.

Thank you for sharing. I will keep you in my prayers, along with so many others.
(Ger)
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Unread 03-08-2012, 12:34 AM   #3
upupandaway
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Default Peace and strength to you

My heart and thoughts go out to you and all of us that have lost in ways that hurt so deeply. What can we do for each other? I know that when life hurts this badly even being with a trusted friend brings little help. I wish you Peace and hope the feeling of joy enters your heart right away. I only wish there was something I could do to soothe the pain so many of us endure.

We were not meant to suffer the struggles of health and heart ache alone. God is there for us, but I want to be of service to my fellow man, I just don't know how. I am rambling here, let me just say I hope God or what ever super hero I believe in will put an opportunity to give in my path, because I am lost without my dear wife and the life I had with my sweetheart and best friend.

Best of luck and good health to you!
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Unread 03-09-2012, 01:59 PM   #4
Leesa
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Bless your heart Jim. Why she would give up such a sweet caring guy like you for an alcoholic, is beyond me!! And how in the world was she able to get 1/2 of your pension when SHE walked out??!! That really fries me!

I know you still love her, but Jim she's not treating you very well. I doubt she would treat you much better if she came home. There's something that I truly believe --- That EVERYTHING happens for a reason. And there MUST be a reason for this too. Perhaps God has a plan for you -- that there is something he wants YOU to do. Trouble is, you have to figure that out.
In the meantime, are there any groups in your area for the disabled? Perhaps some social groups, or support groups? It would do you good to get out, and maybe join them. And since you like to read, how about a trip to the Library once in awhile? It's a good place to meet people.

I wish you the very best. Depression and loneliness are awful. I fought both after my husband died. I wish you the very best Jim. Please take care of yourself. God bless. Hugs, Lee
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recovering alcoholic, sober since 7-29-93;severe depression; 2 open spinal surgeries; severe sciatica since 1986; epidurals; trigger points; myelograms; Rhizotomy; Racz procedure; spinal cord stimulator implant (and later removal); morphine pump trial (didn't work);now inoperable; lumpectomy; radiation; breast cancer survivor; heart attack; fibromyalgia; on disability.



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Unread 03-09-2012, 02:46 PM   #5
ginnie
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I am very sorry that your depression is so bad. I do understand why it happened. I too have experienced loss. I have a daughter I absolutely love, and she abandoned me. It is hard to love someone when they don't love you back. It hurts soul deep. I also take an anti-depressant, and have multipal health conditions.
Saying this, I want you to know you are not alone. You can develope new interests even with PD. My psychologist said something to me over and over again...."You can change your mind" Meaning, that you can put this issue on a shelf, and ignor it for awhile. Then at some point, allow yourself the time to re-visit the issue, grieve, and then move on again. If you can just distract yourself a bit, time really does heal. I am not going to get over my daughter, not ever, but I have learned to accept what happened. You can't control what another person does, you can only change your response to it. I had alot of false hopes, that things could be reconsiled. When that time passed, and I realized it wasn't going to go the way I wanted, I had to change my attitude. I read as a major distraction. I found this site, and made some new friends. I tried to change small things in my life to make myself feel better. You are OK just as you are. Please consider, getting council. If you find the right person to help guide you through this process, it can change your life for the better. I come back to Neuro Talk as often as I can for support. I have my pitty parties, my moans and groans, then I stop and listen to someone else. All of a sudden I realize I am a good human being, even with pain in my life. You are a person worthy of being in a better place in your heart. I wish my own marriage had worked out too, it didn't. Don't give up, and try hard to be good to yourself. Try reading more than you do, and it can take you to another location, another adventure, somewhere else than where you are at. Come back here and talk all you can. I sure will listen. I never wanted what happened in my life either. We don't ask for pain, but sometimes it does happen, and to some really good folks. I care about you as a fellow human who is in pain, and feels alone. You arn't. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You are welcome to PM me at anytime, and I will try and help you in what ever way I can. ginnie
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Unread 05-31-2012, 08:50 AM   #6
don1956
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ger715 View Post
Jim......so sorry to hear you are having so much to deal with. Loving someone and not being loved back can be like an illness in itself. It drains your whole being.

Are you able to drive? Getting with a friend for lunch, etc. Whatever.....you need to Get Out of the House. I learned that many years ago when I went into deep depresssion. I finally, thru the help of God climbed out of that dark hole. One thing I did realize; when the darkness inside wanted to startup again, I would do all I could to get out of the house. One of the things that did help me was getting involved ever so slowley in Church activites... helping others, when possible. It was necessary to get "outside myself". Suport Groups sometimes can be of help in new friendships.

Thank you for sharing. I will keep you in my prayers, along with so many others.
(Ger)
"ger"nailed that one for me.i did those very same thing myself.i joined a churched (got saved and baptize).and i joined a gym.2of the best things i could ever do for my self.but when you sit in that house all day,the mind has a way to play games with your thoughts.unfortunately never for the best.satan loves that.he loves watching you go through day after day of mental pain.and thats where he like to keep you.but we also got you to
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Unread 08-16-2012, 08:53 AM   #7
clouds z
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dr amen dvd s i thought were helpful
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