wanting more communication with elderly parents

[Mari]

Hi,

Maybe you can help me put this into perspective.

My father (early 70s) is having hip replacement surgery in mid May.
He is very private about his doctors.
He will not even let my mother go to his doctor appointments with him.
I know that he has not prepared for the surgery or the aftercare because he and I spoke a few minutes on the phone yesterday about something not related to medical stuff except for a minute.


My sister lives across the street from the two of them. She is only willing to talk to me a little bit. She is going to take off work for the day of the surgery to be at the hospital. Dad said "O.K." to that.

Frustrated.

M

[bizi]

just to let you know, hip replacements are easier on people than knee replacements so that is good. He will more than likely go to a rehab center for a while for intensive therapy, daily. he may then go to out patient rehab for therapy3 times a week. He won't be able to drive for some time. He did not fall did he?

I am not sure how to suggest advice about better communication between your family, that is a hard one.maybe you could draft a letter or an email about what it is that you want to talk about and then you could use it like a script and just read from it?
I don't know..
communication is not my strong suit.
bizi

[waves]

Dear Mari,

i hear your frustration. When i had to move here much against my 'druthers, i figured one good thing is that i would get to spend some time with my parents whom i would otherwise barely see - if at all - for several years. well now, even though i'm getting so much time with them it can be overwhelming, i still consider it valuable. as they get on, you just don't know how much longer they will be around. i think about that constantly.

perhaps your reasons for wanting more communication are different, and perhaps you only meant about medical things (not sure). but i believe if you want to be involved in medical, greater general involvement seems like a prerequisite. i think of medical as an inner comfort zone; as i see it one would need to be in someone's outer comfort zone to stand a chance at the inner one. now, this is just my opinion of course.

================ SUGGESTION:

i don't know if this will work. however, i would make an attempt with being very frank and direct. ask for what you would like. as for the letter bizi suggests, i would indeed do that, but i wouldn't use it as a speaking script. i would handwrite it and snailmail it (keep a photocopy, so you know what you said, exactly).

in the letter, motivate your request for more communication. you might tell them, for instance (some assumptions for the sake of example...), that you feel uncomfortably distant from them and would like to change that, that you are hurting because you care about them and so would like to be more involved in their lives, and that you respectfully wish for more communication regarding health issues, because you worry about them. Be careful at not sounding blameful. Use gentle wording overall.

i think sending a letter would be better than a phone conversation because, this being a confrontation about a sensitive topic, the letter gives them privacy and time to read, react, feel defensive, sulk, reflect, process feelings of vulnerability, etc. they don't have to immediately say something to you on the phone which might be defensive and destructive for you both.

i think a paper letter is better than an email, and a handwritten paper letter is better than a typed/printed one. a piece of paper is psychologically and physically harder to destroy, if they don't want to deal with it right then. its physical presence also brings with it a part of you... your handwriting... it is more personal. whenever i get a letter from my close friend with whom i do not email, i always think about the fact i'm getting something she has touched. i treasure that. even if one doesn't think about it, i think there might be some intrinsic psychological influence of handwritten letters in this respect, which automatically creates more closeness.

that is the best i can think of. i would write the letter on nice stationery if you have some, or onion skin... something nicer than regular paper.

~ waves ~

[bizi]

great suggestions waves!
bizi

[Mari]

Hi,

Both parents were sexually abused as children. That has colored all my dealings with them. It might account for their privacy issues. They do not even share medical stuff with each other!

Basically, they do not want to go outside their tight bubble that the two of them have locked themselves into.

My father's hip has been deteriorating for years.

My sister would not talk to me tonight because she was too busy.
My mother announced she will not be at the waiting room of the hospital for the full time for my father and his docs because she has a volunteer appointment with one of her groups.
(I know that my sister might gain some info by being at the hospital and that is good.)

I can send my folks a handwritten card on quality paper. Common topics on the phone are
1 weather, my mother's sports teams, book club, vegetable garden, art class,
2 my father's work

The last time they were down here in August and hubby was off doing something with my Mom, I got my father to open up a little about his hip and one or two other things. He is planning another trip to see hubby and me in 10 weeks.

perhaps your reasons for wanting more communication are different, and perhaps you only meant about medical things (not sure). but i believe if you want to be involved in medical, greater general involvement seems like a prerequisite.

It is mostly about communicating. I would like to help them with their medical. They never talk about something important. On Saturday, my father was willing to talk about my bottle of wine and about how to use his lap top to watch movies while he is he bed recuperating. He spoke. I listened.

I am so frustrated.

M

[Mari]

Hi,
As I wrote the above, I realized it sounds silly.

Tdoc would say:

1. Reach out once to let them know I am available. Make a specific offer or two on how I could help.

2. Put the whole thing out of my mind if they say "no."

M

[waves]

Dear Mari

First I am sorry you are dealing with this frustrating and perhaps emotionally painful situation.

Originally Posted by Mari

I know that my sister might gain some info by being at the hospital and that is good.

I am glad you do have lines of communication open with your sis, albethey limited.

I can send my folks a handwritten card on quality paper.

That sounds good.

The last time they were down here in August ... I got my father to open up a little about his hip and one or two other things. He is planning another trip to see hubby and me in 10 weeks.

This is great. I think you need to see this as a process. The way you relate to each other has been built over a long period - decades. Everything cannot be reversed, but changes can be made. However the changes will not happen overnight. What you describe here sounds like progress. I would not give up, but rather try to tune into their pace, and go with that.

It is mostly about communicating. I would like to help them with their medical.

I can appreciate that. You have already made progress with your father. It sounds hopeful.

They never talk about something important. On Saturday, my father was willing to talk about my bottle of wine and about how to use his lap top to watch movies while he is he bed recuperating. He spoke. I listened.

Listening is excellent. The fact that he spoke is ... "excellenter". He spoke about things circumstantial to his hip replacement. He didn't speak about the weather, or his work. I see that as more progress.

I am so frustrated.

I hear you. Ask yourself why. Do you want things to just "be different?" ... that is not realistic of course. It doesn't matter, you can still have the feelings of frustration. But perhaps you can mitigate those feelings with the understanding that this process does seem to be going forward... at least as far as I can tell.

~ waves ~

[waves]

Dear Mari

Originally Posted by Mari

As I wrote the above, I realized it sounds silly.

It didn't sound silly to me in the slightest. I see progress and more intimate connections slowly (yes! slowwwly!) being formed in the interactions you described.

Originally Posted by Mari

Tdoc would say:

1. Reach out once to let them know I am available. Make a specific offer or two on how I could help.

2. Put the whole thing out of my mind if they say "no."

I am sorry to say i totally disagree with your tdoc. I believe continuity/perseverance is necessary here - this is not a tennis match.

Showing openness and availability does not imply requiring a response. Similarly an initial negative reaction (especially on touchy subjects) might simply indicate it is premature for them. It need not be taken as permanent. I hope you won't throw the baby out with the bathwater. It would be a pity, as I do think you are making progress.

Can you choose to be available without expecting something back (especially not right away)? Will that hurt you too much? Can you find a perspective that will allow you to do this and yet make it emotionally tolerable for you?

s to you and sending healing wishes for your father.

~ waves ~

[Dmom3005]

Mari

I don't know if it will help.

But when my mother had her first knee replacement surgery.

Even though we have always talked a lot. And about all kinds of
things. She didn't want to talk about that. But more because she
didn't know what to say. Or how it was going to feel.
Also because everytime, she had what was supposed to be something
simple, something happened. And she ended up in the hospital for
longer periods, with unrelated to beginning surgery problems.

So she would try to not talk about what they were going to do. Lots of
the time. She would tell me in particular. Because of the distance
I had to come. Not to worry, I wasn't needed there. It was only
1 1/2 hours so if I could I'd try to go to all surgeries, but the knees
I made over later. Because I knew she was going to need me later.

And my sisters had each other. There are 4 of us. And if the other
three were going to all be there, or their husbands with them. Then
I didn't need to go for the surgery time too. They would call me afterward.

But I always went to the rehab center more than the hospital surgery time.
Because I felt personally she would need more company in recovery. Than
at the surgery from me.

I didn't know much about the surgery itself. And I honestly know very little
about her medical past. But two of my sisters know were the history is. She has it all written down.

Donna

[mymorgy]

how did you find out they were sexually abused? were they ever treated for it?
it is so hard to accept who they are. I am so sorry for the frustration you must feel.
bobby