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Are there any 'tough love' groups for 'adult children'?

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Unread 09-29-2006, 07:35 PM   #1
Just Jacquie
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Question Are there any 'tough love' groups for 'adult children'?

Hi guys - sorry long time no see - busy isn't the word right now, it's more like ' lightening pace' or something - wish I had all the time in the world to sit here and chat with you all.....

So much has happened since last we 'talked' , but in a nutshell, here goes: My daughter, who, you may remember, is 23 was approved for disability this past August - I swear it had nothing to do with the fact that I workfor DDS, doing the same adjudicator job! Anyhow, things have been up and down with her, as usual, despite the host of meds she's on. There is a real tough thing she's going thru now, too...She is quitting smoking - she HAS to, because she is having surgery in either Oct or November for breast reduction - she's finally had enough of those huge 'watermelons' she has - like a 40G or something, and wants to fit into regular clothes. But, God love her, she's so moody, despite the nicotine patches and all. Sometimes she yells and screams at me so much, she makes me feel like a worthless piece of crap - kind of like the way my Mom used to make me feel. Then, she's always got that 'ace in the hole' - her threats of suicide. She's making our lives a living rollercoaster, it's becoming harder and harder to take sometimes. So, is there an organization somewhere concerning TOUGH LOVE and grown children?? Heaven help us, we need it sometimes. Like tonight, we came home from dinner and she was upset because we had left her alone even longer than being at work. Long story, but I feel like our lives will NEVER be happy or normal with her and those antics. I'd throw her out, but we all know she'd probably end up six feet under sooner or later.

What is a mother to do ? Besides all this, I am suffering from a crisis situation of my own with my hereditary spherocytosis (blood disorder like sickle cell) and I'm looking towards having my spleen removed in the near future.

Any ideas? We love her so much, but some days even love just isn't enough...

Thanks, dear friends, for any input here!

Hugs, Jacquie
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Unread 09-29-2006, 07:51 PM   #2
Alffe
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(((Jacquie))) You know my thoughts on this subject dear lady. I'm so sorry you are all still struggling with this. Just wanted to pop in and give you a hug.
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Unread 09-29-2006, 11:29 PM   #3
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Jacquie,
I wish I had some answers for you, I truly do as I am in much the same situation as you.
I won't go in to the long version just know I have 3 grown children and all 3 have been suicidal and I could go on and on, I have to say I know I let them take advantage of me and by doing so I'm not doing them any good either, so please if you should find such a group as your looking for pass it along!!
Please know your in my thoughts and if I should find anything to help I too will pass it along.
Hugs, LindaM(suede)
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Unread 09-29-2006, 11:44 PM   #4
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Red face sounds tough....

hI there,
glad that you found these forums so we can stay in touch with each other.
You continue to have a ton of stuff on your plate...
I wish I could wave a wond and give you the answer you need but alas I can't...
all I can say is that the sooner you allow/make her to be more responsible for herself the healthier she will be.
She is old enough to take that responsibility...it is her body.
You will need to set some limits on what is acceptable behavior...you choose to react...or not.
your house ...your rules...
it is all about respect.
take care sweetie,
bizi
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Unread 09-30-2006, 01:57 PM   #5
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Thanks Alffe, Linda and bizi - your points are well taken. I KNOW we need to let her alone to be more independant, but that is so much easier said than done. We LET her treat us this way, as Dr Phil would say, but it's hard to teach an old dog, ya' know?

We'll keep working on it, she can have a complete 180 tutn around moodwise numerous times a day....

Thanks again, glad to be back!

Hugs, Jacquie
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Andrea 1/24/83-1/18/11
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Ang & Julie
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Lilo

** friend me on Facebook: Jacquie Grande Preston
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** L4/L5 fusion w/ hardware in 2002; taking daily pain meds
** proud Grandma of Angelo, age 7, and Julianna, age 5, and another due in July!
MY HUSBAND & I ARE RETIRED AND ENJOYING LIFE !!
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Unread 09-30-2006, 04:53 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Just Jacquie View Post
We'll keep working on it, she can have a complete 180 tutn around moodwise numerous times a day....
Hi Jacquie,
I can't remember her dx's. Does she have anything beyond bipolar? Bipolar cannot be treated with tough love as far as I know.

As long as she is still unstable and having mood changes throughout the days, the only thing that can help her is better meds. After she gets better meds she can work on counseling, exercise...

I am sorry that she is still having difficulties.
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Unread 07-04-2008, 03:46 PM   #7
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Hi, I am new in the chat room. Have a 28 yr old daughter who has been diagnosed with everything from bipolar, personality disorder,autism and what ever else a new doctor thinks they see. She is also strong willed and spoiled. Love is powerful but painful with people we need to tough love as we don't know how far to go and what the outcome will be. Ny daughter is in crisis right now and it takes everybit of energy to handle her and not lose your own mind. I have learned a couple of things but sure don't have the answers for everything. Jacquie, your health is most important as without you being healthy you can help no one. I also have learned to emotionally detach when I have to enforce a boundary I have set. My Linda also has delayed development and is sort of stuck in her teens years. Didn't mean to post so much but I truly empathize with you.
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Unread 07-11-2008, 01:50 PM   #8
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Good grief...we have much in common and I might pm you.
Does your child have bipolar disorder? Is she on medication? We have someone in our family, same age, with this dx.
Thank goodness you got her on disability. Esp. since you have your own health issues (and even if you did not), you can not be a nurse maid to a grown child and not expect it to take its toll at some point. Very few people in the world have the energy and financial resources to truly care for another human many days a week and that is what often happens when a person is unwell. And IMHO, few understand the STRESS and complexities of this situation...like when you talk about letting her go and the fear of the her ending up "six feet under."
We hope our relative will grow and learn, but at the same time understand that you can't let things get totally out of hand and we need to show compassion.
Still more...if your child is suffering from Bipolar Disorder, it is imperative that she sees her doctor regularly and that her medication is monitored. Your child might also need therapy...someone to help with anxiety, mood swings, etc.
But even through the difficulties of the illness......I like to think with effort improvements should be able to be made. Even if they are little baby steps, one always hopes for improvements. (Sigh)
Regarding your question: I do believe there is a group called Families Anonymous that might be beneficial; although I think the majority of participants are dealing with substance abuse issues...that certainly would not be the entire story. Another group to look into would be NAMI. Also, I can't find it right this moment...but I have a good book on "boundaries." There are many good books on this topic that might be of help. My heart goes out to you, I think it is highly likely that I understand. I DO hope you have your own therapist and that you take time to care/nurture yourself whenever possible. It is a complicated and confusing situation requiring much thought, patience and strength.I also empathize with your situation.
Susan/Linda/JJ: There is a separate area here called "Parents of Bipolar Children" that might also be of assistance.

Last edited by Vowel Lady; 07-12-2008 at 07:11 AM.
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Unread 07-12-2008, 02:56 PM   #9
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Hi Jacqui,
I know what she needs but we can;t force them unfortunatly. It is hard when your soul is so confused to get the proper interactions with family. But, isn;t there a day program that has good reviews to get her out from under foot a day or two a week. Our Health care had a part time day program to help with self.....De never got there, her health issues were always so difficult, but I am hoping ehr brother now 25 and not back to work since her death will go. He is needing to be with other people then family, he needs to find him self a niche.

He was in therapy and wish he would go back. Decide to take two college classes this fall and get back into society.
But, my hugs and prayers are there for you. When the nosie she makes gets to you, can you tell her, I still love you no matter how the day is trying for both of us.
Only because I blame myself for not being more tolerant of De at those times I was streesed to tears. Also, I remember the last week she was with us, in the unit down in Phila. I gave her a hug and kiss goodbye. She told me how that made her feel not hated. She felt because we were stressed over her behavior we hated her.
Her step dad would actually get up and walk out of the room when she came in or the phone rang for the twenty-ith time that day, he rolled his eyes.

All he could say now is he did not understand how difficult her life was for her and for him to have been more tolerant and say kind supportive things even when it was tough.
We never knew what tomorrow was to give us.....
Love to you and a huge cyber hug.
di
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Unread 07-13-2008, 01:30 AM   #10
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Dear DiMarie,

You are a good mother and good to your daughter.
I hope that you don't blame yourself for very much or that if you do think like that, you only do it for a minute or two.
Mari
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