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My Ex Keeps Messing with My Head and I Hate it!

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Unread 08-26-2008, 03:17 PM   #1
NaeNae
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Ok, a couple of you know about this, but I decided to share to get some insight. Most of you know my husband divorced me back in June...just left a note and he was gone....not the first time I might add but this time for good. Since June he has called me nonstop, said he wants to get back together on 3 different occasions and then changed his mind at the last minute.

He still calls me daily sometimes multiple times a day, says he loves me and the kids,misses us, wants to be part of our lives yada yada, but doesn't want to get back together. I have mantained a friendly contact with him, after all he does pay child support and alimony on time...puts extra money in my account now and then, pays my cell phone bill etc.

My daughter who is 3 has been really traumatized by the divorce and now he is talking about visiting next month and taking her to stay at his parents for a week, I think this is a bad idea because she is EXTREMELY clingy to me since the divorce, she does not know his family at all and hasn't seen him since May...but I can't prevent it either, I can only encourage him to do what is right for her. I want him to stay here locally and let her come home at night. he has never taken the role of primary caregiver for her even when we were together.

Anyway, again today he had some good news at work so he had to immediately call me to tell me about it, he calls when he has a bad day...when he needs advice etc. I would be lying if I said I did not still love him, many of you know how I struggled with this in my faith. But I also feel that this current way things are is making me crazy, I have horrible mood swings, cry, get depressed, basically feel like I am on a rollercoaster I cannot get off of. I want to maintain a civil relationship but this is driving me batty!

Any advice??

BTW..I have discussed this with him and asked what he expects our relationship to be, what he wants from me,does he enjoy messing with my head? He says no,he doesn't expect anything,doesn't know what he wants etc.
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Unread 08-26-2008, 05:07 PM   #2
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He needs to KNOW what he wants. His going back and forth promotes constant upheaval and instability. My parents did that for a while when I was young, things were always changing. Sometimes Dad would be home, other times he's moved out and moved on. Having no sense of stability was scarier to me than when my parents finally decided to divorce. At least with the divorce, eventually things were worked out and everyone knew where everyone stood. I know you mentioned he'd left before, but that this time he led you to believe it was for good. Apparently not as he is trying to get back in. Oh Renee, I can't imagine what this is doing to your health, mentally and physically! And your 3 year old, I just think she may become more and more clingy and want to hide away from everyone else because you are the only constant in her life. With her Daddy being so in and out of your lives, maybe she's afraid to go anywhere with him for fear he could abandon her with grandparents she doesn't know and away from her Daddy AND her Mommy. I know I'm rambling Renee, I just wish there was an easy answer for you. I know you're probably going through he77! I'll be thinking of you Nae Nae.
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Unread 08-26-2008, 06:14 PM   #3
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Thats what I keep telling him, the kids nor I need the constant crud. That is exactly why Olivia is so clingy, if I leave for half an hour she is afraid I won't come back like her daddy did. Today I left for a job interview and she fell and skinned her knee while I was gone and now she refuses to walk, she says her leg is broke!
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Unread 08-26-2008, 06:25 PM   #4
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Renee have you thought of contacting a local Salvation Army and see if they have counseling, to help with the damage he is doing to you. they work on slide scale meaning u pay a percentage of what your income is, which would work for you, you have to be able to release this or he will have you in ulcers in no time, I know you love him and i understand the vows and all I was there did that and got burned a few times, right now is you and kids time, he needs to respect this and learn to deal with his own ups and downs and stop dragging you down with him, hang in there Renee, I agree he can visit and stay in the state you are in and visit, screw this taking a 3 yr old who is already confused home to his parents and mess with her mind more, and god forbid what if he takes off with her, not like it hasnt happened with others in this world hang in there Renee
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Unread 08-26-2008, 06:36 PM   #5
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Set the boundaries and stick to them, come hell or high water.

Tell him that Olivia will NOT be going ANYWHERE for an entire week. He and his parents can come stay in town and visit on a schedule.

Caller I.D. Tell him that you are willing to speak with him once per week. Set the day and stick to it. Do not engage yourself in his business, simply remain silent and let him do all the talking until the matter directly concerns the welfare of the children.

Give him three days a week when he can call to talk to the kids for 10 minutes, not to you.

Renee, from all you've gone through with all of this, my considered opinion is that you can love him all you want, but you can do that without involving yourself in his life.

It's harsh, but you've given him WAY more opportunity than any man deserves and he doesn't sound adult enough to live like an adult. Move on, sister.
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Unread 08-26-2008, 06:38 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NaeNae View Post
Thats what I keep telling him, the kids nor I need the constant crud. That is exactly why Olivia is so clingy, if I leave for half an hour she is afraid I won't come back like her daddy did. Today I left for a job interview and she fell and skinned her knee while I was gone and now she refuses to walk, she says her leg is broke!
Awwwww, sweet little dear child. You can't leave her with a broken leg, can you..

DDH, needs to grow up and be a big boy now...
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Unread 08-26-2008, 06:57 PM   #7
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Renee, so sorry you are going through this. In some ways it sounds to me that he actually does know what he wants -- very simply, for HIS needs to be met. Even just evidenced by wanting (and expecting?) you to be there when he needs a sounding board in good times and bad. From what you've written it seems to me that he's approaching all of this in a very self-centered manner. I don't know if he's a reasonable man or not but if he's willing to listen, it sounds like it's time for him to hear what YOU need (I agree with the boundaries) and what your kids need. Time to stop thinking about only himself -- and if he really does love you and your kids, hopefully he'll understand.
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Unread 08-26-2008, 06:58 PM   #8
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my advice AMN gave you already....you must set your own boundarys depending on what YOU want and need for YOU and YOUR CHILD...hun....

Dont discuss with him what he wants....what kind of relationship he wants or expects...dont talk to him about messing with your head...cause then he is in control..and that is what he wants..hun...

please for your sake..do what AMN said...set your boundarys and stick by that....if he then keeps calling...dont answer

the week thing, I think, you may have the right not to allow that..as long as allowing regular visiting in your area....hugsss and good luck, sarah

(you need for your health well being...to do this....otherwise he is messing with your head too much...hugsss)
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Unread 08-26-2008, 07:02 PM   #9
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Hey Nae~ I have been following your "ordeal" throughout the Insights thread and I really feel bad for all he has put you and your children through. I agree that you are giving him way too many priviledges for a divorced couple.

He wanted the divorce and cannot keep dragging your emotions all over the place. You can only handle so much. Your'e right, the children come first and you, as Mommy, know what is best.
I'd tell him to have his parents visit Olivia in your town and I really think HE should get some counseling.

Hang in there R~ It's hard to tell someone to stop loving another person, but he is showing a clear pattern that is unhealthy for you and the children. You are far more stronger than you give yourself credit for and I'm really proud of you.

Sending you hugs and please know that we care about you here.

Kiss Olivia's boo boo for me. She's such a sweet lil girl having to go through grown up problems. Take care of YOU!!!!
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Unread 08-26-2008, 07:05 PM   #10
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Definitely what AMN laid out with boundaries is an awesome plan! It's at least a starting point, it may seem harsh at first, but in the beginning you'll need to be. He needs to see you are strong all on your own and that you're going to stand by what is best for you and your kids. Oh honey, just wish I could give you big hugs!!
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