Reflections from a suicide survivor

[Alffe]

by Joanne Harpel

Stephen. I really don't have many opportunities to use his name anymore.

You see, at the age of 26, my younger brother Stephen suddenly developed bipolar disorder. Despite our best efforts to get him the right treatment, he took his own life.

This shining star, who graduated with honors from Yale and went on to Harvard Law School, wrote his high school valedictorian speech, an award-winning toast to his bride - and a suicide note - all in less than a decade.

At the time of Stephen's death, I didn't know much about suicide, and I didn't know another soul on this earth who had been through this tragedy. What I did know was that my family was in agonizing pain, reliving those last days over and over again, angrily blaming each other and ourselves, and asking a thousand questions that all began the same way: "Why?".

Over time, I've come to learn that more than 90 percent of people who die by suicide have an illness such as depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or substance abuse - sometimes diagnosed, sometimes not. While suicide is typically the result of a complicated stew of life events and circumstances, the main ingredient is almost always an underlying illness. Just as people can die of heart disease or cancer, they can die as a consequence of mental illness.

I've also learned that I'm hardly alone: Research suggests that most of us will lose someone we know to suicide during the course of our life-time. Yet the historical stigma surrounding suicide persists.

Family and friends of people lost to suicide may turn to support groups, where they can talk openly without fear of being judged. Other survivors read voraciously, learning everything they can about suicide and its aftermath.

Still others find a powerful sense of community and healing at survivor conferences such as those held throughout the country on National Survivors of Suicide Day, held on the Saturday before Thanksgiving every year.

Support can also come from the most unexpected places, such as the secretary down the hall who left a box of tissues on my desk with a note taped to it that read, "Don't be afraid to cry. Tears are a tribute to those we love."

Although it's a myth that suicide occurs more frequently during the holiday season (in fact, the rates are highest in the spring), it's certainly true that this time of year can be excruciating for those of us left behind.

If you know someone who has lost a loved one to suicide, you may feel unsure about how to reach out. Try this: Write down a story about their loved one (especially one they might not know themselves) and give it to them, so they can read it when they're ready.

And please don't be afraid to say their loved one's name. Don't worry about making them cry. It hurts so much more when no one talks about the person they lost.

This holiday season, as always, I'll be remembering my brother. He loved shrimp, tennis, English history and Thanksgiving. And his name was Stephen.