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TBI and Divorce

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Unread 11-15-2009, 04:15 PM   #1
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Default TBI and Divorce

My husband told me yesterday he wants a divorce. He says he cannot handle the stress and that
I am not the person he married, the real blow was he said that my head injury was not very bad and I really should be better by now.

I know we were having problems but I just thought we needed space so I left the other night because he yelled at me and called me a *edit* and I snapped and had to get out.

We were in a Motorcycle accident 4 years ago he was driving and I flew off the back and hit my head @ 65 mph. He says he has stayed this long because he felt resposible for me but it is too much for him.
He is burnt out.

So after 17 years of marriage and seeing him through open heart surgery, his type 1diabtes, loving him unconditionally through lifes ups and downs, he picks now to want out.

I have not been able to work since the accident and have no income, I am under his insurance, my car is broke down, because of finical problems in our business we own together we have stopped getting a paycheck, the last thing I think I can handle is finding the energy to go through a divorce.

It is not like I have not tried to get well I have seen the DRís tried different therapies.

I know that I have changed but I have tried to be the best wife to him I could with what I have.
I cook dinner every night and clean the house, go shopping and the funny thing is that the more I tried to make him happy and act like everything was OK the more I was hurting myself.

Since I left him I have not had a seizure or felt overwhelmed. I have stopped and only do what I want to do I donít have to make anyone else happy I donít cook dinner I donít make the bed less I want to I do the dishes when I can. And no one is watching TV at full volume and talking on the phone at the same time. And snoring so loud I can not sleep.

I have had time to think about everything long and hard and, we both have created a very toxic relationship. No one gives you the tools to handle the changes after a head injury. I was just told to go home and rest it will go away. And that is bad advice sometimes because My husband does not understand and says how come you are not better you should be better by know like I want to live this way. I think there is a part of him that feel I am faking not trying hard enough.

Before the accident I was so active he used to get mad at me because I had such a full schedule I worked full time with him, I worked out 4 times a week, I traveled, went to school part time and had a very busy social life full of friends and family. My nick name was running dog.

Now when he comes home he says what did you do today who did you talk to, where is dinner and if everything is not done or I did not have a good day he is very passive aggressive and leaves to go out with his friends.

I am just torn on what to do next I donít blame him for this I know he is a good person put in a hard situation. I love him more than life itself and I donít want to be selfish and cause him pain and make him stay with me because of guilt, that is not fair.

I don't have anger issues and I don't act out on him. I just don't function very well, I am not perfect and have some real congitive issues, and our life is not the same everything is differnt no more last minute lets go out to dinner, or lets go on a trip, everything takes twice as long as it use to I used to do errands on my lunch hour that will take me all day to do now.

Should I let him go, so he can have a better life. I thought when I married him at 29 years old I had found my soul mate

Alos he has a girlfriend I just found out about and that hurts to but not as bad as the uncoditional love I thought we had
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Unread 11-15-2009, 05:01 PM   #2
Mark in Idaho
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I sorry to hear of your recent developments.

Have you ever had a neuro-psychological assessment done? If he does not believe that your symptoms are real, maybe you need a professional diagnosis.

A diagnosis of your current condition and prognosis may be important in divorce proceedings, too.

Some couples find that they can't afford a divorce. Maybe you just need space to live in quiet. If it makes a big difference for you, it will probably make a big difference in how he perceives you, too.

It does sound like you need some good professional advice. Maybe an attorney who understands brain injury and also divorce issues?

And the neuro-psych assessment.

If you financial situation puts you in a qualifying state for MediCaid, maybe you can get the neuro-psych.

Just some ideas.

My best to you.
Mark in Idaho

"Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10
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Unread 11-15-2009, 05:11 PM   #3
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Dear Sweet Lopi,

I am so sorry that you are going through all this pain. The fact is that 80% of marriages end after a serious brain injury. Iím not telling you this so you can feel like a statistic (thereís cold comfort in that), but because I think you need to know that you are not alone. Heck, I know youíre not alone because my long and once happy marriage is teetering for exactly the same reason. Frankly, weíre only holding it together for the sake of our young child.

Aside from guilt over the accident and infidelity (I hope), we have all the same issues you described. My husband isnít supportive and expects way too much from me. As some days I function better than others, he too accuses me of exaggerating my symptoms and playing ďmartyr.Ē In his defence, like you, I was a real energizer bunny before my accident and, if the change is incomprehensible to me, how can I expect him to understand it? How can I be a good wife to him when Iím a stranger to myself?

Like you, I try to fake normal Ė and that makes me sicker and sicker. In your post you wondered if you should let him go for his sake. Perhaps you should let him go for your sake? You are happy and healthier without him around Ė that should tell you something.

Iím not trying to be flippant. I know that emotional and financial issues make it difficult to just walk away. However, after a TBI we canít go back to who we were before. We have to rebuild new lives Ė and it doesnít sound like your husband wants to, or is capable of, being part of that process.

Thereís lots more I could say about this, but itís kind of a painful and personal thing to put in a public post. If you want to talk, feel free to PM me.

Take Care
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Unread 11-15-2009, 06:50 PM   #4
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Hi Lopi,

I'm so so sorry about the situation you find yourself in. I don't have much advice to offer you, but I definately have an ear to listen. In a perfect world (God's world) you and your husband would be able to work it out and be ok. I know that we live in a fallen world and that life is far from perfect.

I am here if you want to PM me and talk.
With faith, hope, and love,
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Unread 11-15-2009, 07:13 PM   #5
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Default Lopi

Oh my goodness!

The same happened to me!

We had been married for 23 years and my husband left me approx 5 months afterwards and didn't believe there was anything wrong with me from such little bumps on my head. After all I had always managed everything so well and easily!

He woudln't go to specialist appointments with me, discuss it - nothing. When I was going to bed early like say 8.30-9pm he would come to bed at 11pm and want to turn the light on to read! I tried so hard to get better. I was obsessed with getting better. All he did was look at me sadly - that was the worst thing he could have done to me.

I was the same as you - wonder woman, worked full time, was the perfect corporate wife, mother of 19 year old and 22 year old. Beautiful house, 2 cats and a dog and had thought I was lucky! In hind sight it was me who always propped up my husband and like my daughter has said all along, I was the strong one.

Even though I have remarried to an amzing man I admit that I will always be wanting an appologyand believe I deserve one. He is now sailing around the Pacific on his yacht - lucky him.

After he left all I could think of was "I have to go to work". I didn't tell anybody that he was leaving - and he left the country a week before Christmas. I got a phone call in January telling me he wanted the house sold. An auction was arranged for March - on my birthday! I was very lucky that law firms close for up to a month here at Christmas so didn't have to face work immediately. Mind you he did give me a couple of weeks notice before he actually went = oh so considerate!

I believe totally that I am better off without him - at the time he left I just didn't feel anything - I was totally numb - I later found out that was a sign depression.

I have survived. House was sold and I bought another smaller home in a not as nice area, the dog died in the interim and I still have the cats. Be very very careful and get good legal advice - I did my own and was my own worst advisor! (even though I am trained)

All this caught up with me 2 years ago and I had to give up work. In New Zealand we have accident compensation and receive 80% of our previous income - problem is they harrass you constantly and send you off for all sorts of assessments - as if they don't believe you either.

I feel that I have spent the last 8 years having to prove myself - ridiculous. Please make sure that you ask for the help you need - I didn't as I was too proud to. I wish that I had.

You will cope - notice that we are all copers that post on here and all have been high achievers - I so understand.

Big hugs


Last edited by Lucy; 11-15-2009 at 07:40 PM.
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Unread 11-16-2009, 12:51 AM   #6
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Default relation

man relationships get deep
shes up in the middle of the night to go creep
not even asleep lay awake face tingling mind weak
scientist said darwin told him earths no place for the weak
trying to get this head thru aphasiatic speak
its turning this rebel yell inward and meek
burning I tell her how my passions hoping
she can be the nurse for my coping
focus for my visual scoping
reason for my hoping
I love this girl more than my life
since I saw her wanted her for my life
got on knees to make her my wife
the beutiful son we brought into this world
shes so magical
weve been toghether for seaven years
i sould be settiling down now
Just cant get over my fears
whats holding me back from getting back up
making a 100 percent comeback
when I get back the worlds gonna know
never gonna let nothing but love show
shes graduating soon with her second degree
I know that that new life wont include me
so since shes the mom I guess she gets my kid
thats usually how the judge sees it
all the blood sweat and tears
I guess doesnt make me fit to be a father
or make her want me for a husband
shes the most beutiful soul glowing
why does god want our lovly river to stop flowing
You know water travels from elevations of high to low
mountains to oceans
along the way it erodes transports and deposits sediments
this concussion is eroding my soul
transporting my family
dear god jesus mother nature jah budda higher power
uplifting truth is what were after
deposit these sediments of joy into all our lifes
start rotating this earth with positive magnetisum
revolutions of love around our son
hopefully a growing family with more children to come
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Unread 11-16-2009, 01:32 AM   #7
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Default Thank You

This is one area that is not talked about to much and I am the last person that I thought would have to go through it

I feel like I have woken up from a bad nightmare but it is real.

I do take a lot of the responesabity for it, in a disfucntiona sort of way.

I was so wraped up I the victim role look at me I need help that I never knew that he was hurting also.

My whole identity ws so wrapped into finding next doctor the next treatment that I forget I was in a relationship. and a relationship needs attention to.

Not that what he did was right or wrong it just is what it is and when i woke up and looked around at the destruction of what that small moment of time that it took from the accident to happen and the long road of years of pain and suffering, there just has to be a reason a higher power involed and there is nothing else to do but trust that knows the answer and once you LET GO AND LET GOD AND KNOW THAT I AM the truth will set you free.

I just have to keep mthe faith and love myself becasue if I don't love me who will. Lopi
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Unread 11-17-2009, 10:47 AM   #8
(Broken Wings)
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Welcome to NT

We do understand.

I've gone through an emotional rollercoaster since my injuries in 10-2000. Hubby has too. I am not the same. He is not the same either. I am stronger than I ever thougth I was. He is not as strong as I thought. Through it all, we're still on. We have to use a lot of love for glue, to patch the holes and cracks that happened along the way.

It takes hard times for us to realize what we're made out of. I'm sure hubbies realize things too, usually too late.

It's not easy dealing with health challenges. You have to put your health first. Things will be upside down for a while. It'll be ok...

PM me if you need to.

If you want to work things out, he has to want that too.

You do whatever you have to, okay? You certainly don't have it easy right now.

It won't always be this way.
(Broken Wings)

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Unread 11-17-2009, 11:54 AM   #9
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I'm sorry this is happening to you Lopi. My marriage has had its ups and downs also, and it was tough after I was diagnosed with MS and my emotions and energy started going haywire. We've been married nearly 30 years now. I put up with a lot of stuff in the first 23 years or so.

I had to confront my DH several times to get him to realize things were going to change and he had to deal with it. It's still tough for him and sometimes I think he's just going to give up. But I have to keep strong for myself, and like you said, love and care for myself.

Take care of yourself and your health first, that's what you have to do when illness strikes. I think it's the thing that causes the problem in many marriages. If the one who has the nurturing role gets sick, and if the other is dependent on that, things get very rocky, because the emotionally weaker partner doesn't know how to carry the bigger load of responsibility.

It's a struggle for us, and DH knows he has to deal with it and it's tough. If they leave, it's their failure, not ours.

Turn Left at the next election.

RRMS DX 01/28/03 Started Copaxone again on 12/09/09

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Unread 11-17-2009, 01:42 PM   #10
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Well, you can see from the posts here that you are not alone: illness can be devastating for our marriages. While weíre all hear to listen to you anytime, I would feel better for you if you had more support closer to home.

If you donít yet feel ready to go to your family and friends, please consider contacting the Brain Injury Association of America www.biausa.org and/or your local chapter in Washington:
BIA of Washington
President: Jason Barber, MS
3516 S. 47th Street, Suite 100
Tacoma, WA 98409
Phone: 253-238-6085
TBI Helpline: 877-824-1766
In State Toll Free: 800-523-5438
Fax: 253-238-1042
E-mail: info@biawa.org
Website: www.biawa.org

Those folks have a lot of experience dealing with the issues you are facing and they want to help you.

Be Kind to Yourself!
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